Can the Real Office Milk Thief Please Stand Up

For those of you who work in an office environment you know that there are few pleasures you can afford during the working day. For those of you who do not work in an office environment; welcome to the mundane things that really gets on your nerves when you work in an office.

I am of course talking about the dreaded office milk thief! Now, I know some offices like to splash out on their employees and give them free milk but not in my office. It falls on the individual to supply their own milk. I enjoy splashing out a little so I totter on in on a Monday morning with a pint of full fat organic milk (so indulgent that it sounds naughty).

Obviously, my milk is the cream of the crop so I can understand why it attracts so much attention in the fridge but it’s only a singular pint so I will notice if I have made one cup of tea and half of the jug is gone by the time I go for my second. At least be subtle about it. Sometimes I think it’s in my head, sometimes I think I have drunk more than I have realised and sometimes I am sure that I have been a victim of the OFFICE MILK THIEF.

The office milk thief is particularly annoying and behaves similarly to a raccoon having a good old rummage in your rubbish bags. In fact, I believe they are branching out. There have been reported incidents in my department of yogurt going missing a.k.a “the dirty yogurt thief”. I even came across one incident where someone’s lunch had gone missing. I know, it’s really quite surprising.

There are only a few great moments in my work day and one of them is making myself a nice cup of tea or coffee and I’m not talking about that excuse of a coffee from the coffee machine. No, I take pride in my coffee and tea breaks and keep a whole selection of them at my desk. A little bit of Douwe Egberts hazelnut infused coffee (my personal fav), PJ tips when you want to keep it classic, a bit of mint tea for those herbal moments and Nescafe Azera for when the going gets tough.

Now, I can’t make any of these drinks if you take my milk! In fact, it forces me into a life of crime too and I have to take someone else’s milk! And now I am part of the milk problem.

So, given this is an area of contention – yes we actually talk about this, sometimes it’s the day’s biggest event – over the years a lot of the girls in my department have come up with some great ideas on how to protect your milk.

Change how you Place Milk in the Fridge

Because of the doubts of myself and others on whether or not our milk was being stolen or if we were just drinking it all ourselves, a girl I worked with came up with the ingenious idea of putting milk back in the fridge with the handle facing away from herself. Most people automatically place a jug in the fridge with the handle facing towards them. This way if someone used the milk, they would most likely automatically revert to the typical way of putting milk in the fridge. The result – you would know that you were a victim of milk thieving. It’s no surprise really that she came up with this, her mother was in investigator for the police.

Turn your Milk Green

Once, someone suggested to me that I put green food colouring in my milk to put people off….the only problem was it was putting me off.

Label your Milk as Breast Milk

With this one, you have to accept that someone might see you using the “breast milk” jug when you go to use your milk.

Give Yourself a Promotion

Once I decided that rather than putting my name on the milk I would put my level of seniority on the milk….so I wrote “Managing Director” and left it there.

Ok, so it wasn’t my true title…but everyone deserves milk respect.

So, If you are an office milk thief, please consider stealing milk from the people with the 2 pints and 4 pints. Leave us 1 pinters alone. We are just looking for a quiet life. If you are a victim, then I am afraid there are no helplines available for your problem so I suggest you go ahead with the green food colouring plan. 

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